What if Hell is real?

What if hell is real?

More importantly; what if you got to Hell and it was Bernard Manning?

Things I'm going to do when I'm Stalin

1) Are you married? Did you get married in a church? Yes? That church is fucking gone. I'm going to knock it down. Then, I'm going to take the bell from the bell tower, melt it down and use it to build tanks.

2) I'm going to kill your dog, cook it and cut it up into 61.1 million pieces of equal size. I will then distribute the morsels equally to everyone in the country.

3) I'm going to abduct your children and force them to work the fields day and night planting wheat.

4) Your grandparents will be put to good use as Confectionary inspectors. They will go door to door and will gain access to your Kitchen by means of special permits that I'm going to give them. They will make sure that your sugar supplies are no more that as to be expected. Superfluous sugar consumption is a sign of Trechery!

5) Busses will be replaced with cardboard replicas. Commuters will be expected to provide locomotive force for these new vehicles.

6) I will be known as "The Beast of Bodmin Moor" on Thursday afternoons.

7) Anyone who doesn't like it will be shipped off to the work camps.

8) Work camps will build more work camp facilities.

She's got that Vibe

I was listening to this song on the way home and there were several problems that I want to talk about:

Problem One:

The song opens with a faux conversation between R. Kelly and another man. The conversation begins as follows:

‘Ey, yo, R. Kelly you been spendin’ a lotta time with this girl, man,’ observes the first man, to which R. Kelly responds,

‘I dunno man, she jus’ got that vibe, you know what I’m sayin?’

You’d be forgiven for thinking that this signals the end of the discourse – a question has been asked and R. Kelly has answered, albeit in an abstract fashion. That is to say, if R. Kelly had the means to describe in more concrete terms why he has been spending so much time with this girl, he would have used said means, and answering the question as he did implies that he is either unwilling or unable explain his behaviour in greater detail.

In either case, what happens next is baffling.
R. Kelly’s companion says ‘A’iight tell me the scrip’,’ in a clear request for a more detailed explanation.
R. Kelly responds with ‘A’iight bet,’ and bursts into song for approximately 6 minutes, during which time the following details regarding the nature of that vibe are related:

1) R. Kelly looks at this girl a lot, as she wears tight-fitting garments and in general terms has an appealing and sexually arousing physical appearance.

2) R. Kelly is sexually aroused by this girl due to her properties as stated in point 1.

3) R. Kelly wants to take this girl home. The root intention in unlikely to be non-sexual, however this not absolutely clear as R. Kelly never explicitly states his sexual intentions (if any) towards this girl.

This information is all provided within the first verse. The rest of the song deals with themes other than the ‘Vibe’ of this girl. Given that all pertinent information is related within 3 minutes of the song starting, why is the song twice this length?

Problem Two:

As stated in the previous problem, the song is the result of a direct request for information from the companion of R. Kelly. This being the case, why is the song directed at the girl who has that Vibe and not the companion? Moreover, why does R. Kelly address his lyrics directly to this girl in the verses, and not in the chorus?

Problem Three:

Having that vibe is a property that this girl shares with Joanne, Leonice, Theresa, Tania, Cheryl, Betty, Chip, Anne, Gail, Stephanie, Sabrina, Rochelle, Gladys, Montina, Aaliyah, Stacey, Tita, Rita, Laura and Kim. Given the number of girls who also have that vibe, having that vibe does not appear to a valid reason to spend an extended period of time with this girl. This being the case, what is the point of the song?

Problem Four:

Given that R. Kelly is sexually aroused by this girl, why does he end the song by saying ‘You can’t touch this, just like MC Hammer said. You can’t touch this,’?

NOTE: The version that I was listening to is the Up All Night, No Sleep Till Bed Time mix, 6:13 in length.

The Towel is missing

Somebody's stolen my fucking towel! It was right there, in the bathroom - now it's gone.

What's going on here? Why my towel? What are they planning to steal next - my hairbrush maybe?

EDIT: It transpires that somebody used by towel to wash a cat. They were kind enough to clean and return it.

Trains

Who is it in the First Great Western control room who keeps changing the information displayed on the electronic notice boards? I know what your game is. You're trying to trick me into thinking I'm crazy - but I'm not. I know what I saw.

The 19:57 to London Paddington was there - it said so on the board. Then it disappeared, replaced with the 20:14 to London Paddington. No cancellation announcement or anything, it just vanished. Ten minutes later the 19:57 re-appeared again - this time it was delayed. The expected arrival time was 20:14.

How much longer shall we dance this interminable dance, mr controller man? I know what you're about. What your ultimate goal is escapes me, assuming you even have one, but don't think me a fool - I'm on to your weird little game and let me tell you now ITS NOT GOING TO WORK!

So just stop it, or pick on someone else.

Audio programs that send you to sleep

I think someone should do real research into how the subject of a text read aloud influences the listener's wakefulness, or lack thereof. I have found recently that listening to lectures on philosophy has the effect of sending me to sleep within 15 minutes. Faily medocre drama on radio 7 however will keep me up for hours.

What do I write about?

I suppose I could do what many other people do and post a list of websites made by people with more creative talent than myself. I could call the list something unimaginative like: The Top Ten Celebrity Kneecaps of 2010. I could rely on the smarty-pants formatting that this hosting site provides free of charge to mask my lack of originality and to fill in the blanks left by my mediocrity. In fact, it's such a good idea that I'm doing it right now - I hadn't even realised.

What do I write about? Does anyone care? No, of course no one cares. Well, what am I writing about now?
Nothing.
Will anyone still be reading this far into the text? I hope not - after getting this far they might be expecting something worthwhile or profound. I suppose I should oblige with something, but what? I'll tell them about my new idea for a book, that'll do.

There is a Horse.
He is a detective.
He lives in a sort of film noir-ish no, no this is stupid no one cares about this.

Stumble on, brave explorers. No tasty OC to be found here I'm afraid.